I come in to work to find out that the pilot last night didn't put the plane in the hangar, so this morning it was iced over.  So now the flights are 1.5 hours behind schedule because they had to de-ice the plane.  Now, being the helpful person I am, I asked the guy in Athens, who is my secret Santa (which is totally unrelated), if this could be considered a weather issue because that is the only way we can refund tickets.  If a plane cannot fly due to weather, we can give them a refund, and only then.  He said, we can't give them refunds because it occurred within two hours of the flight.  I guess that's one of the perks of having the boss work in your airport.  You get to learn all the stuff we should already know.

So, I proceed to explain this to the two passengers.  Of course they are pissed.  I explained to one man that I tried to say it was a weather issue, because the plane was iced over, in order to get them refunds, but it didn't work because of the time frame.  Then he said, "This doesn't sound like a weather issue, this sounds like some pilot fucked up."  Yes, I realize some pilot fucked up, and that poor pilot (who I happened to like) probably won't work here anymore.  But, I explained to him that when he bought his tickets, he should have been informed that we do not offer refunds for any reason other than weather issues.  Which is why I was trying to get them to allow me to refund their tickets due to weather because the plane was iced over.  So he wasn't happy.

The other passenger's dad I guess he was, said that the pilot doing something wrong does not help them make their connecting flight.  And is that supposed to help me get the plane here faster?  I could have just said, "The plane won't be here for another 1.5 hours, sorry."  But I thought they deserved an explanation.  Either way, I can't MAKE the plane get here on time.  Maybe they should reserve their anger for the pilots when they get here, but they didn't have anything to do with it either.  Although, if they wait until 11:35, they can see the pilot who flew last night (if he still works here) and yell at him.

But anyway.  I'm just glad these are my only passengers for today.  I don't want to have to go through this again with more people.

-L.

Just wanted to point out a couple things.  If you click on my name over there on the left, under the picture, my profile info will come up.  It's pretty cool.  I just updated it, so it'll have pretty much what's on my Myspace, but still.  And then I put my html gear quotes under the links because I think they're just that damn cool.  Every time you come to my page, it will generate another quote.  Or you can just click on the link and see a list of all the quotes I've put in there.  I haven't updated it in a couple years, so I'm probably going to go in and do that eventually.  Those are just lines from songs that are important to me and that I just really like.  Most of them say things that I personally believe.  So enjoy that.

-L.

Hey look, I'm alive.   I'm going to start posting my blogs on here as well as on the myspace because I just want to.  The Myspace address on the side is still the same, and it's where I've been blogging for the past year or so.  But it's private now.  So, if you want to read my blogs, and you aren't on Myspace or aren't a friend, you can come here.  I've missed the old Blogdrive.  I think I might even leave the layout. 

-L.

I think this is the most beautiful song Butch Walker has ever written.  I can't listen to it because it gives me goosebumps. 

Joan

Joan moved away to Colorado
Said she found God and a boyfriend as well.
One that won't hit her or make her feel shallow
There's a lot to learn about Joan

Before I moved in Joan had a fling with the landlord
So she got to stay here for free
And I'm not a genius but I figured out
There's a lot to learn from Joan

And after all this time, you were waiting on the ride
To stop at the place where they slowly misplaced your life...
Go get it right

I went to the closet to get dressed for work
When I spotted a box I had not seen before
With all kinds of letters that never got sent to a guy in Colorado since 1994
And I know it's wrong
But I sat and opened in no certain order
A letter or two she talked about blisters and bruises of anger
And she bought a handgun to learn how to shoot
And the last letter said that she had to get out
But I couldn't make out the rest of the note
From the blood stains all over the page of the letters
There's a lot to learn
And there's a lot I learned about Joan

And after all this time, you were waiting on the ride
To stop at the place where you slowly misplaced your life
Oh and after all this time, you were waiting on the ride
To stop at the place where they slowly misplaced your life...
Go get it right
Go get it right
Go get it right
Go get it right

So I went to see my psychiatrist at the Phoenix Center yesterday.  It was a complete joke.  I need to get some health insurance soon so I can go see a different doctor.  He basically just asks me to tell him what I want him to do.  He asked me if I wanted to take 60 mgs of Paxil again instead of the 30 I've been on for the past couple months.  I told him again that I didn't even want to take the Paxil, but he doesn't want to take me off it.  But I figured, if 60 stopped working and 30 definitely didn't work, going back to 60 couldn't hurt.  I also told him I couldn't get the ADHD medication.  He said he wanted me to keep trying to get it so I could tell him how it works.  I guess I'm a guinea pig for that drug.  I seriously don't think it's doing any good besides make me sweat and make my heart beat faster.  It also makes my stomach growl a lot   I just started taking it though.  I'll have to give it some time I guess.

Today we're taking McKenzie to the registration thing for the Pee Wee bowling league.  We took her bowling last week and she loved it so much she begged me to take her again the next day.  I didn't start bowling until I was 5, so I'm happy that she's starting this now.  It'll be good for her to meet other children. 

Well, I need to go get her ready to go.

-L.

Don't worry, I only know two songs that mention amphetamines and I've used them already for blog subjects, so you won't be subjected to any more.

I was supposed to go to group today.  Well, I was supposed to go yesterday, but I thought yesterday was Tuesday and today was Wednesday.  So my dad took off work and everything since my mom decided she wanted to take advantage of my not having a full time job and probably never getting one by going back to work.  Which really makes me feel guilty because if I ever have the chance to get a full time job, there's my mom to worry about because she's working because they need the money and here I am just this useless person who works 15 hours a week.  They complain that I don't work enough or make enough money for anything and can't make my loan payments anymore, yet they go and do something like this which makes it pretty much impossible for me to feel like even looking for a job is a good idea. 

Eh.  Anyway.  So, I decided that since I have this hour free from having to stay home which I've done every day this week since I only worked Sunday, I'm at the library.  It's nice to be on a computer where it doesn't take ten minutes to load my Myspace page. 

Not much else is going on.  I have a job interview on Monday for the front desk position at an orthotics and prosthetics office.  The only thing I know about that stuff is that I had to wear shoes with a bar when I was a baby because my feet turned in and they had to be gotten at an orthotics and prosthetics office.  McKenzie also had to get some shoes from one after her surgery, but those didn't work out.  So, I guess I have some knowledge of what they do at least. 

Michael Vick...I guess it's about time I mentioned it since everyone else has.  I think it's ironic that I sold him some dog food and dog wormer at PetsMart in 2002 and now he's in trouble for dog fighting.  I think he should definitely be punished for what he did.  Cruelty to animals in any way is wrong.  It's people like that who make it impossible for people to own pit bulls because everyone assumes that they'll rip your head off no matter how well trained they are.  Or your hand, in my case. 

The medication is interesting, to say the least.  I went to bed at 10 last night instead of my usual 11 or 12 because I was just so zonked after the medication wore off.  I still couldn't get to sleep though and had to take 2 Tylenol PM in addition to my Paxil.  The Paxil doesn't and never did make me tired though.  I'm going to give it a few days though.  I'm not sure it's doing much to me though.  I haven't noticed that it's making me not have an appetite.  If anything, I ate more than usual yesterday but my stomach was still growling a lot.  Maybe it speeds up my metabolism in addition to everything else. 

Well, I don't have much else to say, so I'll get going.

-L.

by: Butch Walker

well there's sand in my book
from writing on the beach
trying to find a song for you
that the ocean can only reach
and this beach is getting wider
than my train of thought is long
and each little grain of sand
is some other asshole poets song
so i'll try to get this right
before the sunburn says i'm wrong,
says i'm wrong
i keep on shooting clever guns
that blow up in my face
and what good to say i'm sorry
when time it wont erase
all the times i hit erase
on every word you said to me
and just covered it up
like dogshit on a pretty city street
just to not piss off the neighbors
no wonder i cant sleep, i cant sleep
a song without a chorus,
this is my first attempt
cuz that would really bore us
and the title would go limp
but these words just keep on shooting
out my pen just like a gun
and i'm aiming at your ears
trying not to come undone
cuz you love the smell of gunshots
and the company of one.. no fun
they'll probably say this sucks
but i don't really care
and i used the "gunshot" word
so it wont get on the air
while the rappers do a driveby
and smoke crack then praise the lord
while a white-bread singer songwriter
has to stand here looking bored
and while i'm at it, i should mention
that all the guns i used in my
songs were fake...
not real... plastic..
fuck... get real... blast it...
i still love you

Eckerd finally got in their order of Vyvanse, the ADHD medication the psychiatrist prescribed to me.  It's the first time I've ever taken an upper.  Downers are pretty much my favorite thing, whether prescribed or not.  I took one as soon as I got home.  The only difference I can tell is that I feel manic.  I'm not sure if you need to give someone who might be bipolar an amphetamine.  I have a feeling that if I take this drug on a regular basis, I'm going to be manic all the time, and that's not something I want.  I always feel like this right before I get a migraine, so that might be all it is.  I'll see how it feels later.  It just feels strange.  I have no idea how this stuff makes kids concentrate.  It's making me want to do a million things at one time. 

I'm still going to see the doctor on Friday.  I'm hoping if he thinks I can't get this drug, and I can't afford to get any other stimulant without insurance, he'll give me a normal mood stabalizer.  I just don't think this is the medication for me.  We'll see though.

-L.

I worked at 8am this morning, and I'm so tired I can barely keep my eyes open.  I got home from work about 2pm and my parents decided they wanted to go out and eat.  But we have to go before 4pm to their favorite buffet because they get the senior discount.  It doesn't even bother me that my parents eat dinner at a time when I used to eat lunch.  I didn't get to go out to dinner with them because McKenzie was in the middle of a meltdown.  She wanted to go to the park.  When it was 100 degrees outside.  I let her cry for about an hour.  Then I gave in.  I hate it when I do that, but I was tired and hungry and mad that I didn't get to go out to dinner.  My parents have decided that they don't want to take her out when she's in a bad mood because, well, she's in a bad mood.  I personally don't get embarrassed when I have to drag her out of a store or restaurant because she's screaming and crying at the top of her lungs.  I don't know why they mind so much.  I mean, yes it sort of messes up your whole experience of shopping or eating or whatever.  But it's not like you've never seen anyone else doing that.  No one's going to point at you and say, "Bad parent alert!  Their child is in a bad mood, those parents must be taken away."  I mean, hello, I created the child bad mood.  So I know McKenzie's not the first child to have a cow when she doesn't get what she wants. 

After my parents went home, I told them I wanted Chinese food.  So I went to the mall.  I wanted to buy my first ever Butch Walker cd.  It's not that I never owned any Butch Walker cds.  It's just that I never personally bought one from a store.  When I first got into Butch, I bought his first solo album and two Marvelous 3 albums used on Amazon.  Then when his next two solo albums came out, Tim bought them and kept them to himself so they were never really considered mine.  Then he gave them to some girl at Wal Mart and I've never seen them again.  I got tired of listening to my two Marvelous 3 cds, which I'm pretty sure were Tim's because I never let my cds get so scratched up that you can barely listen to them.  So, I set out for the mall in search of Letters.

OH MY GOD.  Saturday at the mall is like crazy.  And this isn't even the big mall, this is the local mall that's one story and has 10 stores in it.  You would've thought Death Cab for Cutie was doing a show there, there were so many Emo kids.  And then I started to wonder:  If Emo people are supposed to be so depressed, why do they spend all their time hanging out at the mall?  I mean, when I'm depressed, I stay in my room.  Or I did before I had a baby.  Then I realized that what happened to Emo is the same thing that happened to Punk in the 80s and 90s.  People thought it was really cool to dress that way and no one really knows what it means anymore. 

But oh well.  I'm almost 30.  Although, Tim says Butch Walker is Emo and he's over 40.  And I've forgotten the point I was trying to make.

Well, I'll get out of here and go watch Intervention.

-L.

Just thought I'd write an entry since they are few and far between these days.  Nothing is changing or getting better though.  I only work two days next week: Sunday and Saturday.  I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to do.  I need a better job.  I guess I'll just need to get another part time job.  That wouldn't be so bad if I could actually get another part time job.  I can't seem to get anything these days.

And the ADHD medicine the doctor gave me is so new that none of the pharmacies around here have it yet.  I tried to get Eckerd to order it, but it's been a week and a half and they just tell me, "Call back tomorrow and see if we have it."  It's really pissing me off.  I finally called the doctor today and said I need something else because he already has me on Paxil, half the dosage of what I was originally taking, which didn't work in the first place.  So I'm pretty much paying $8 for 30 mgs of something when 60 mgs didn't work.  And then he decides to do an experiment and see what a stimulant will do to me just because it's new and he has cards for a free month's worth of the stuff.  Not that I care, I think at this point that I might have ADHD seeing as how none of the anti depressants I've taken have worked.  Maybe that is my problem.  That and the fact that life just sucks.  At least the ADHD medication will keep me from wanting to go to sleep during the day.  But, I mentioned to my caseworker today on the phone that I have no insurance so I'll need samples.  She said they don't have samples of that kind of medication.  So my doctor's little experiment might not work at all because I can't seem to get any medication.  I thought the Phoenix Center was supposed to help me with this stuff instead of telling me I have to pay for it myself. 

So, other than the fact that I have no new medication and my life has not improved, there really isn't anything else to say. 

I really feel like I need to take a vacation, but the only thing I need to get away from is my life.

-L.