I saw this band once, in Athens.  Awesome show.  I love those small club shows.  Even though Bon Jovi is always going to be my favorite band, nothing beats being allowed to stand right in front of the stage and get a friggin crick in your neck from looking up at an awesome band.   I decided to put this lyric here because I'm 29.  And because it means a lot to me lyrically.  I always hated it when people would post lyrics to a song everyone knew, or that came off the popular album, because I tend to like the album that no one else did.  But, this album will always be special to me because it is the first album I owned that I liked every single song off.  It still is to this day, even though Tim stole the damn thing and I can't even listen to it anymore.

29-Gin Blossoms

Time won't stand by forever if I know it's true
And I've learned not to say never
Or else I'll seem the fool
Twenty-nine you'd think I'd know better
Living like a kid
When my lies may seem less than clever
Is when I fall for it
Only time will tell if wishing wells
Can bring us anything
Or fade like scenes from childhood dreams
Forgotten memories
Some rides don't have much of a finish
That's the ride I took
Through good and bad and straight through indifference
Without a second look
There's no intentions worthy of mention
If we never try
So hang your hopes on rusted-out hinges
Take 'em for a ride
Only time will tell if wishing wells
Can bring us anything
Or fade like scenes from childhood dreams
Forgotten memories
Only time will tell...

Ok, not much to update today.  My dad found out yesterday that his cancer has not spread, so that leaves it in Stage III.  Not sure if it's A or B of that Stage, but I'm guessing B because the cancer is too big to operate right now.  His first chemo treatment seemed to go well.  It took a long time though. 

And now I have nothing left to say.  I'm feeling alone again, as I often feel.  Maybe it's because I'm by myself most of the time?  That would be the most logical explanation.  I don't know though.  I think it's because Tim has been gone for years and I finally want to find someone to fall in love with and I can't and it's just frustrating and lonely-inducing (I know that's not a word).  But thinking about it any more will just make me get depressed more, so I'm not even going to.

Well, I guess I should get back to work, that's why I'm here.

-L.

 

Wow, long title.

Let's see, how is life going?  I called up my lawyer today to find out if she got the papers from Tim, and she just got them today.  At first she said everything was good, then she said she didn't get some agreement.  He was supposed to have it notorized too.  She said she knows he got it because he complained about it.  I remember that too, that's the whole reason why he refused to sign the papers in the first place: the agreement we both came up with regarding visitation and child support amounts.  He said he was sure he sent everything.  My lawyer's secretary said she'd send him another copy, and I told him that if he sent it already and they say he didn't, I'll send him the money to get it notarized again.  I'll even send him a stamp and envelope.  I just want this over and done with already.

My Christmas shopping is complete, I think.  I told my co-worker that I got McKenzie 10 presents, and I wasn't sure if that was enough.  She said she thought that was too many.  I don't know.  In all I probably spent not even $300 on those presents.  I just remember when we were kids, we got tons of presents for Christmas.  But of course, some of those were my parents' presents for each other.  It's sad that this year, all the presents under my tree will just be for McKenzie.  I'm not saying I'm materialistic and want things.  it'll just be the first year I haven't had anything to unwrap.  I know you don't measure how much someone cares about you by what they give you, but it really feels that way around the holidays.  No wonder so many people are depressed this time of year.  And on Valentine's day.  It's so easy to feel unloved when you see every single person around you opening presents and you have nothing.  But then, at the same time, I'm the first one to say that you can't buy someone's love.  Or that giving someone things doesn't substitute for giving them love. 

I'm just jealous.  I'm jealous of happily married or in-a-relationship people who get some small gift from the person who loves them, and I have nothing. I know it's not right to think like that, but I always have.  Maybe it's because I love getting things for other people, no matter what my relationship is to them.  I've always been like that.  If I have money and I see something I know you'd like, I get it for you, and don't expect anything in return.  I shouldn't want other people to do that though, I already know I'm 100% different than everyone else.    

Ok moving on.  I'm finally registering for Winter Quarter Monday!!  Yay.  I've decided I was going to take College Algebra and the first Paralegal Studies course.  The books for those two classes will be $300 with tax, and my brother is only giving me $250.  Financial aid will still pay for tuition and fees, and if I'm lucky, I'll get about $100 back at the end of the quarter.  It's easier to only take two classes this time, because I've never been able to pass Algebra, and I've attempted it 3 times.  It's going to be even harder having to do it online and needing to use the book to explain it to me instead of a teacher.  If it gets to be too much, I guess I'll have to make an appointment to go in to see the teacher for help, or get help somewhere else.  Taking 2 classes means I can't drop any of them, or financial aid won't pay for any of it.  I don't want to risk failing it though, so I'm going to have to work hard on it.  Maybe I'm in a different place now, since it's been probably 6 or so years since I've even looked at a math problem.  Maybe I've gotten smarter in my old age, and it won't be as difficult.

What else...not much else.  Tomorrow my dad is going for chemo and to find out the results of his full body scan that he had done yesterday.  The doctor who did the scan says that she can't read scans but she could tell it spread to his lymph nodes.  From what I read on the internet, it's not really bad unless it's spread to lymph nodes that are far away from the lungs.  I wasn't there, so I don't know if she told them which lymph nodes it was or not.  My mom tends to selectively remember things. 

Looks like next week is going to be another repeat of the past two weeks.  Which will mean I'll have worked...let's see...21 days so far without a day off.  Another week and it'll be almost a month.  Yippy kye ay. 

Right now we're trying to figure out what to do for Christmas.  My mom wants to go to Atlanta on Christmas Eve, but I don't get off until 12:30.  She wants us to go there, which means we won't get there until after 3pm, have dinner, which means we'll leave around 6 or so.  Which means it's bedtime when we get home.  She says she wants McKenzie to open the presents I got her on Christmas Eve.  I wonder how many hours she thinks I get in a day?  Must be a lot more than she has since she thinks I have 8 arms also.  I don't want her to open her presents on Christmas Eve because Santa Claus comes on Christmas Day.  She's 4  years old.  She's way too young for me to bring up the fact that Santa may not exist.  Excuse me for trying to start a tradition with my daughter.  This is our first Christmas at MY OWN HOUSE, and my mom is yellling at me because I'm trying to make things difficult.  I'm sorry, but if my world were perfect (which it has never been and will never be), i wouldn't be working on Christmas, and I sure as hell wouldn't have worked 21 days straight without a day off.  I'd also have a husband and a father to my daughter, to share the joy of the Christmas holidays with.   I'm just trying to make something not difficult and it's not working.   If I had my own way, I'd get rid of everyone else, and just stay at home with my daughter and open presents and have everyone else come to me.  I'm surprised Tim didn't demand that I fly her to Indiana for a couple hours so she could spend part of Christmas there.  Let's try to stretch me a little father, why don't we?

Well, I got a long entry to go with the long title.   I should be good for another few days.  Unless something else pisses me off.

-L.

Well, As is the normal case, I typed up a whole entry, then tried to Shift some letter to make it capitalized, and the entire entry went away.  I do that all the time on this blogdrive.

I'm going to take it as a sign that I didn't need to say what I was saying in the first place.  So, here's a lyric written by Diane Warren for Cyndi Lauper but was recorded by other artists too.  This is actually Desmond Child's version because he changes a word, and that one word makes it mean more to me.  The only person who would notice is probably Shawn Michael but I'm not going out of my way to speak to him these days.

 

I Don't Wanna Be Your Friend

I don't wanna see your face
I don't wanna hear your name
I don't wanna thing
Just stay away baby
Don't wanna know if you're alright
Or what you're doin' with your nights.
Don't wanna hear that you'll stay in touch maybe

I'll get just fine
So if you're goin' then darlin' goodbye, goodbye

Don't call me in the middle of the night no more
Don't expect me to be there
Don't think that it will be the way it was before
I'm not over you yet
And I don't think I care
And I don't want to be your friend

I'll forget we ever met
I'll forget I ever let
Ever let you into this heart of mine baby
You just gotta let me be
You gotta keep away from me
'Cause all I want to be is just free of you baby
Don't you come around
And say you still care about me
Go now, go now

Don't call me in the middle of the night...

You take it casually, and that's what's killing me
I'll get by just fine
So if you're goin' then darlin' goodbye, goodbye

Don't call me in the middle of the night no more
Don't expect me to be there
Don't think that it will be the way it was before
No, no baby
Don't call me in the middle of the night no more
I don't want to be your friend
Don't think that it will be the way it was before
I don't want to be your friend...

Dude, now that my phone/internet work again at home, I've noticed that this page doesn't look so great on Firefox.  Meh.  I'm just going to leave it.

-L.

A whole lot of nothing is going on.  I'm working 7 days this week also, so if they hire someone this week, I'll be working 19 days before I get a day off.  Exhausted, I think, is too weak a word to describe it.  I could go to bed at 5pm and still be tired when I wake up.  I guess it is easier than working on two days 5:15am-7:30pm.  But, when I think of how I'd get two days off then, I think maybe it would be easier.  I don't know.

I called AT&T back today.  They are the bane of my existence at this point.  My phone stops working every time it rains.  Now, I'm hoping that when they come inside today, they will be able to fix it and get it working because my internet is not working either.  I did set up remote call forwarding though, so if someone calls me on my home phone if it happens to stop working again, the call will be forwarded to my cell.  I was told that even if my home phone has no dial tone, it will send it to my cell phone.  Of course, they couldn't give me the phone number and pin number over the phone, so I have to wait 5-7 days for the freaking thing to come in the mail.  So, if my phone doesn't get fixed today, that's another week I have to wait to get it. 

All I know is that if they can't fix my phone today, and can't figure out what the issue is, I'm going to cancel the internet because DSL does me no good when the phone doesn't work.  And that sucks because I was kind of hoping I could do my classes at home on the internet instead of somewhere else.  My parents have DSL, so it's not like I couldn't do it over there, but if I wanted to do it after McKenzie goes to bed or whatever, it's easier to do it from my own living room.

And that's assuming my schedule stops being so hellish and she actually gets to spend the night with me by January.  I just don't understand how my co-worker can complain that she doesn't get to spend enough time with her family, so she gets to work whatever schedule she wants, and because I didn't open my mouth, they assume I don't need to spend time with mine.  Hell, Friday I called my boss because my daughter was sick and I couldn't stay home with her because my co-worker had to go to the WIC office with her son.  Now, if I was anybody but me, I would be able to say, "You can't force me to come to work if I have a legitimate reason."    But, I'm me, and therefore I care about my job.  Trust me, they would fire me for no reason.  They've done it to other people. 

What else...Christmas is going to be here soooo soon.  I think I'm going to wrap McKenzie's presents one day this week so I can see what all I have.  Friday I get paid.  I have to give my mom $100 for the rest of the rent, and I need $165 for lot rent and probably another $15 for water.  Other than that, I think I've paid all my bills for the month.  And I got a little overtime.  I may have to pay my car insurance, I think I didn't get a bill.  But, I probably need to get McKenzie some more Christmas presents.  Doing it by myself is pretty hard.

-L.

This is a nice change from Butch Walker.  Marry Me Jane is one of my favorite bands, even though I only like the self-titled album of their two.  I lost it, so if anyone can find it, I would appreciate having it again.  I listened to it when I was depressed and/or angry because of the lyrics and the whole feeling of the album.  I love this song.

 

I got your message couldn't call you back
I was busy gettin' you off my mind
I saw your girlfriend
I think she thinks I want you back
God you surely take your time
I don't wanna be in your fantasy
I wish you'd move to China or the moon

Positive
Capital P
Positive
You don't belong to me

I'm kinda scattered like the pieces of a puzzle
But our pieces never seem to fit
And I talk to the mirror looking deep into my eyes
But I only see this
I don't want to be in your diary
I didn't mean it when I wished you away

Positive
Capital P
Positive
You were meant to be

You're the reason the stars always shine and
I believed you when you said you'd always always be mine

I heard a rumor that you still talk about me makes
Me wanna cry and I like your girlfriend she could
Almost be my sister damn I wanna die

Don't wanna be in your fantasy
I wish you'd move to China or the moon
Positive
Capital P
Positive
You were meant for be

Anyhow.  My co-worker decided again that we should work on our days off again this week.  I am so freaking exhausted from having to work every day this week, and now she wants me to do it again.  I could argue with her, but then I end up looking like the bad guy.  I told her I didn't really want to do it again and she was all like, "Why not?"  Well, this is why not.  My daughter, who I am a SINGLE PARENT to, got to spend a total of 0 nights at my house last week.  I work at 5:15am, which I like because it means I get off at 12:30pm.  But, because no one wants to get up at 4am for me to bring McKenzie to my parents', she just sleeps there.  Then, I get her at school at 3:30, keep her until 6, which is not even 3 hours, then take her back to my parents', and I go home, shower, eat, whatever, then go to bed.  And she's trying to argue that she can't work double shifts because she doesn't get to spend any time with her family.  Look, just because I don't complain about it, doesn't mean that I don't care.  I barely saw my daughter 5 hours this week because of your brilliant idea that we work 7 days a week.  And you want to know why I don't want to not have any days off.  And I'm not even going to add into it the fact that I'm completely fucking exhausted because of it.

Odd as it is, I never knew where I got the line at the top of my page.  I knew it came from a song that Tim always played, but I always thought it was Buckcherry for some reason.  I've finally figured out it's Fuel, and here's the lyric.

She calls me from the cold
Just when I was low, feeling short of stable
And all that she intends
And all she keeps inside, isn't on the label
She says she's ashamed
And can she take me for awhile
And can I be a friend, we'll forget the past
But maybe I'm not able
And I break at the bend
We're here and now, but will we ever be again
'Cause I have found
All that shimmers in this world is sure to fade
Away again
She dreams a champagne dream
Strawberry surprise, pink linen and white paper
Lavender and cream
Fields of butterflies, reality escapes her
She says that love is for fools who fall behind
And I'm somewhere in between
I never really know
A killer from a savior
'Til I break at the bend
It's too far away for me to hold
It's too far away...
Guess I'll let it go

As you can see, I've changed some stuff up.  The black was a little too black.  I made a new logo up there.  Still the same because I like that line and it still applies to me now.  I hate the extreme lack of layouts for Blogdrive, and the website they have take too long to load.  Maybe if I get some patience, I'll work on getting an actual layout as opposed to the generic ones they have on here. 

-L.